I spit out the piece below in about 15 minutes 2 days after the election. I'm still reeling and terrified for the most vulnerable in our country. Filled with fury and despair and so much grief. You can either read it or listen to it on my podcast:
My mother-in-law died in early October, two days before my 60th birthday. We ended up spending almost three weeks in the UK, preparing for her funeral and grieving with family.
And now, just after we were beginning to emerge from the worst of the grief cycle, our family and friends are plunged right back into deep grief after the election.
I feel numb. My husband and I went to the Japanese Garden yesterday. It was a beautiful day in Portland. We were not alone in seeking solace in the beautiful fall colors. I found myself staring out over our skyline and feeling single tears leaking out of my eyes.
I have not had a huge cry over the state of the world. Just single leaking tears.
I feel devastated for the country, the world, and the planet.
I feel full of fury that people actually voted for a convicted rapist. White hot fury. That he and his VP candidate have been actively denigrating and insulting women for months. Yet people voted for him to “protect us”? What will happen to reproductive choice? They want a national abortion ban, and birth control is next. So many women and girls are going to die as a result. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.
I am so worried for my friends who are LBGTQIA+, who are immigrants, non-Christians, journalists, work in public service…are artists and sensitive people, educators, young people, elders…who rely on the Affordable Care Act (like me). For those people who will feel even more unsafe than they do now.
We have collectively elected a white nationalist and a team of white nationalists, who believe the country should be ruled by white supremacy and their perverse form of Christianity. His supporters are terrified of losing their white majority in this country, and this is another backlash to progress.
A friend posted a meme today that said, “Somehow the United States surrendered to the Russians, the Nazis, and the Confederacy all in one night.” I would add the Galactic Empire and Gilead to that list. (For those of you who have not read The Handmaid’s Tale, Gilead is a military dictatorship created after a radical political group, the Sons of Jacob, staged an attack on the United States government.)
I am desperately concerned about the planet, as they will surely slash all investment in green infrastructure and green energy and allow corporations to pollute without any restrictions.
I grieve for people like my kids, who will lose the opportunity to get help with buying their first house or relief from student loans. Whose grocery bills and rent will continue to rise. Who could lose access to affordable medical care. They are lucky to live in blue states, which will do what they can to offer safety nets. But what about all the people who live in red states? What will happen to them? What about all the little kids, especially girls, who looked up to Kamala Harris and wanted her to be president? What about my 18-year-old son, who proudly voted for her in this election? What kinds of messages are they getting?
Last night at a gathering, my friend Catherine repeated what she had heard a young colleague say, that she would never see a woman president. Another friend, who is male, disagreed and predicted we’d have a woman president in eight years. I’m with Catherine. We are too far gone as a country to even imagine a woman president. There’s just too much misogyny and disrespect for women. It’s entrenched.
And I grieve deeply for the resistance in Ukraine and innocent Palestinians, where a genocide is taking place. Any hope for a ceasefire is now gone unless other countries can negotiate it. Netanyahu will surely see the election result as his own mandate to destroy Gaza, with the increasing support of the United States.
It’s easy to think about how most of the noncollege-educated people who bought his celebrity, successful businessman hype, all fake, will suffer once Elon Musk gets his hands on things. He’s already threatened to tear the government apart and make people suffer for a few years. I can think about the people who voted for him who employ undocumented immigrants and will be up shit creek without a paddle if they actually deport people who are undocumented. There will be regret, for sure, when people feel the pain in their own wallets and security. People have once again been bamboozled by the schtick and the shock.
I am taking a news fast, mostly…occasionally popping in and out on social media but not reading the news. I’ve seen enough to know that everyone is pointing fingers, saying Kamala didn’t run a good enough campaign…that she didn’t explain her economic plan well enough…that she wasn’t a good enough candidate…that she should have been stronger against Israel, etc. etc. I cannot handle this.
She had FOUR MONTHS to put together a campaign that was filled with joy and positive energy and big plans for the country. No, she is not perfect, but she represented so much opportunity for all of us. I allowed myself to dream it could happen. Watching the joy-packed rallies and stories of long-time Republicans and first-time voters choosing Harris, I let my natural optimism take over and bought a bottle of sparkly to celebrate that night…wore my Kamala tshirt and Chucks constantly for days before…and believed that we might finally do the right thing.
Now I’m questioning my stupid optimism.
Why have I not learned this lesson yet? This country is too embedded in white supremacy and misogyny to vote for a candidate who is Black and Asian and a woman. I thought, she only has a chance to win because she’s running against the worst candidate ever. But no, our fellow Americans failed us again.
I’m so angry at people who chose the Galactic Empire, and I’m bereft considering the future of this country.
The grief at losing my mother-in-law has bled into this sudden grief about people who will be hurt because of this decision…and fear for the future.
This time, the Black women could not save us. Because there were too many votes from white people and Latino men who chose to elect a convicted felon, racist and xenophobe, misogynist, liar, and corrupt person and his team of crooked and hateful white nationalists.
We know this about grief: you have to get it through it before you can move on. You have to mourn what will not be and what you will miss before you can cope.
Soon I will rebound and regain resilience. Soon I will find a way to talk about a path forward. For now, I grieve and rage and leak tears out of my eyes.
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